One More Thing Read online

  That’s probably as much as I should say about Practical Concepts for the time being.

  The third fantasy comes at night. At first it came only in dreams, but now, often, I dream it instead of sleep.

  I pick up the phone, and it’s a scientist, someone I’ve never met, and he’s out of breath with excitement. He talks so fast I can’t understand him at first. When he slows down, and it starts to be clear what he’s saying, I ask him if he’s saying what I think he’s saying, and he says yes, but it’s still not clear for some reason, and I keep asking him again, and he says yes, again, more clearly, more bluntly each time until it’s finally the truth, unmistakable. We figured it out, he says. We can make everything what it was, now that you understand the significance of everything that happened.

  And then they put her on the phone, and she says one more thing.

  The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela

  The following is a transcript of excerpts from the unaired 2012 special The Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela. There is currently no broadcast date for this special.

  ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Nelson Mandela! With Jeffrey Ross! Lisa Lampanelli! Archbishop Desmond Tutu! Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan! Winnie Mandela! Sisqo! Anthony Jeselnik! Pauly D! Former South African prime minister F. W. de Klerk! Sarah Silverman! A special appearance by His Holiness the Dalai Lama! And Gilbert Gottfried! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the “Roastmaster General” himself, JEFFREY ROSS!

  Jeffrey Ross enters dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child. He turns slowly to reveal his costume. He receives a standing ovation.

  JEFFREY ROSS: What an honor to be here roasting President Nelson Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you’re a good sport, thank you for agreeing to be here. All proceeds tonight go to the Nelson Mandela Foundation, which fights poverty in Africa. (Applause) Poverty in Africa—I have a feeling your charity is going to be around for quite a while, President Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you took one of the most unjust nations on earth and made it what it is today: one of the most violent nations on earth. (Laughter) I’m not saying life is cheap in Africa, but when they make movies over there? They use blood as fake ketchup. (Laughter) And the stars really came out for you, President Mandela. Nobel Peace Prize winner F. W. de Klerk is here, everybody. Of course the “F. W.” stands for “Fucking Who?” (Laughter, de Klerk nods politely) F. W. de Klerk is the man who co-orchestrated the transition from apartheid rule to an era of democracy. Dr. de Klerk, you’ve somehow accomplished the impossible: you’ve made more black men happy than Lisa Lampanelli.

  Lisa Lampanelli stands and makes an obscene gesture toward Archbishop Desmond Tutu. She receives a standing ovation.

  JEFFREY ROSS: But we’re not here to talk about Lisa Lampanelli’s enormous vagina. We’re here to honor a great man, President Nelson Mandela. (Applause) President Mandela, you spent eighteen of your twenty-seven years in prison on notorious Robben Island, working on a limestone quarry. (Mandela nods) So in addition to bringing democracy to South Africa, you’re also responsible for some of the tackiest kitchen counters of all time. (Laughter) President Mandela, every time Charlie Sheen bangs some hooker on his kitchen counter, you are a small but important part of why it looks so goddamn disgusting.

  Applause. Camera cuts to Charlie Sheen, in the audience, who squints and makes an “angry” face; Sheen then laughs and shakes his head—Naw, just kidding!

  JEFFREY ROSS: And now, it is my pleasure to introduce a man known by millions and admired by none. A lot of people will accuse us of setting him up to fail tonight, but I strongly disagree—this man needs no help failing. Ladies and gentlemen, from Jersey Shore and your local Planned Parenthood Express Line, Pauly D!

  A visibly nervous Pauly D takes the podium.

  PAULY D: Nelson, you are the first president of South Africa ever to be elected in a fully representative democratic election. I just gotta ask: did they elect that shirt? (Silence, boos, Pauly D immediately starts to sweat) Nelson, you’re a great man. You showed the world that black and white can live together. (Pauly D pauses for applause, of which there is none) Along with gray—what’s with your hair?

  JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a man whose name I never pronounce correctly because he doesn’t deserve my respect, Anthony Jeselnik.

  ANTHONY JESELNIK: Thank you. Poor Jeff Ross—too ugly to come dressed as Honey Boo Boo Child, too fat to come dressed as her mother. (Laughter; Mandela smiles politely) President Mandela, I read that the reason you and your best friend left your small hometown for Johannesburg at age sixteen was to avoid an arranged marriage. (Mandela nods) So with all due respect to F. W. de Klerk: shouldn’t you be sharing your Nobel Peace Prize with this chick who was so hideous that she caused you to jump on a train for a thousand miles to avoid banging her? (Applause) But President Mandela isn’t the only Nobel laureate here—Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Yeah. Yeah. (Applause) Archbishop Tutu, in 2007 you convened a group with President Mandela, Kofi Annan, and others so that you could contribute your wisdom and leadership to tackling the world’s toughest problems. You named yourselves the Elders—sometimes referred to in the media as “The Council of Elders.” (Mandela nods) Some of you in the audience may know the group by its other name—“Lisa Lampanelli’s Dream Gang Bang.”

  Lisa Lampanelli laughs so hard she falls out of her chair, picks herself back up, and waves to the crowd, receiving a standing ovation.

  JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, Sarah Silverman.

  SARAH SILVERMAN: Wow. So cool to be here! Wow! Ladysmith Black Mambazo is in the audience tonight. Guys, loved your last album. Loved it! You can really hear the Paul Simon influence. (Applause) President Mandela, you single-handedly and irreversibly changed the destinies of millions of South Africans. Of course, I’m talking about your failure to speak up about the AIDS crisis. (“Ohhhhs”) What’d I say? Archbishop Desmond Tutu is here. Archbishop Tutu, it’s funny that you’re a bishop, because in the international community’s approach toward poverty, aid, and economic relations, I’ve always thought of you as more of a pawn. (“Ohhhhs”) What’d I say? What’d I say?

  JEFFREY ROSS: If our next roaster sang, the night would be over. But she’s not here to sing, she’s here to roast Nelson Mandela. Now, look out, Nelson: here comes the Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli!

  LISA LAMPANELLI: Whoa! Look at all these hot black men! (Applause and “wooos”) You got Ladysmith Black Mambazo in the audience, you got Wayne Brady, Kofi Annan, Sisqo, Snoop Dogg, Archbishop Don “Magic” Juan, Archbishop Tutu—I feel like I’ve died and gone to fat-white-bitch heaven! Oh wait, except I can’t die up here—Pauly D already did that.

  “Oooooohs” from the crowd. Pauly D blocks his expression of hurt with a fist, then “blows” the side of his hand so that a middle finger “inflates” toward Lisa Lampanelli; but he does this too slowly, and the camera cuts away mid-inflate. Nelson Mandela smiles politely.

  ANNOUNCER: And now, ladies and gentlemen, a special video message from His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

  A video screen lowers.

  DALAI LAMA (on video): Hello, President Mandela or, as I call you, Mandiba. I am sorry I cannot be there with you on this happy occasion. Also, I want to apologize that I missed seeing you at Desmond’s eightieth birthday party last year. I know the press reported that my visa had not been approved due to pressure from the Chinese government. But the real reason was I do not like your cooking!

  Mandela laughs warmly.

  DALAI LAMA: Remember, in life, the key to happiness is always to free the spirit …

  Music cue as the Dalai Lama’s voice fades out. Chyron scroll: “For more exclusive wisdom from His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other hilarious moments cut from the broadcast, follow us online at mandelaroast.com!”

  JEFFREY ROSS: Ladies and gentlemen, a living legend, one of the great men of all time, Gilbert Gottfried.

  Sustained standing ovation.


  GILBERT GOTTFRIED: NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY. (Applause) AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE FOURTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE THIRTEENTH CENTURY AND OF THE TWELFTH CENTURY AND OF THE ELEVENTH CENTURY. NELSON, LOOK AT YOU, HOW OLD ARE YOU? NELSON MANDELA IS SO OLD, HE HATES HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIMOUSINE BECAUSE HE STILL CAN’T GET USED TO THE WHEELS! NELSON MANDELA IS ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE TENTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE NINTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE EIGHTH CENTURY AND ONE OF THE GREAT MEN OF THE SEVENTH CENTURY—

  JEFFREY ROSS: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour, a living legend, President Nelson Mandela!

  A standing ovation almost as long as the one for Gilbert Gottfried.

  PRESIDENT NELSON MANDELA: Thank you. The day I was released from prison, I said that any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose. (Applause) After tonight, I think it is fair for me to add Lisa Lampanelli to that list of men. (Laughter) You know, when I accepted my Nobel Peace Prize, I said that nothing bothered me more deeply than man’s injustice to his fellow man. However, this was before I heard the sound of Gilbert Gottfried’s voice. (Laughter as Mandela playfully covers his ears) Now, let me tease myself first, for I did not know exactly what this event would entail. I was informed that the Nelson Mandela Foundation would receive a sum of money and that comedians would poke fun at me on television. So, because I am the one who is learning from you, let me ask you all one humble question.

  Poverty, injustice, and violence are among the greatest challenges to human dignity. But if we escape them, we then face a greater, and more beautiful, challenge: the challenge of freedom.

  When we can say anything, what do we say? When we can feel anything, what do we feel? When we can share anything, what do we share?

  Silence in the room. Lisa Lampanelli faints. Pauly D weeps softly. Visible particles of physical shame fly from the pores of Jeffrey Ross. As the room hovers on the edge of total emotional collapse, Mandela starts to laugh.

  Oh, my—I got you so good! I wish you could have seen that! Did they record that? Do they record the audience at these things? Oh, my … the looks on your faces as Nelson Mandela told you that your lives were worthless? That your existence was a waste of the privilege of freedom?! (Mandela laughs until he has to clutch his sides and catch his breath, then continues) I was only teasing. I mean, there was some truth in it, but … you know how these things work, there needs to be a little truth to the sting, correct? I thought I heard that somewhere, yes? (Mandela laughs again; inaudible expressions) Oh, my. So much fun. All of it. Thank you. I never get to do anything like that. I’ve been under so much pressure, for so long, and that was just … so fun. So fun. So fun.

  They Kept Driving Faster and Outran the Rain

  He rented a brand-new, bright yellow Ford Mustang convertible for their seven-day honeymoon in Hawaii. It rained lightly, all day, every day, for the first six days. It wasn’t what they were expecting, but it was beautiful, and they took walks in the mist around the hotel property and looked at the flowers.

  “I love the fauna here at the hotel.”

  “Wait, what’s fauna?”

  “Plants, flowers, right?”

  “Right, but ‘flora and fauna.’ Isn’t flora flowers?”

  “Then what’s fauna?”

  “Don’t know. Let’s look it up later.”

  “K.”

  “K.”

  On the last day the rain cleared, and they decided to circle the island in the convertible. It was beautiful, but once they got up in the mountains it started to rain again.

  “Should we put the roof up?”

  “Okay. But we have to stop to put the roof up.”

  “I don’t want to stop.”

  “I don’t want to, either.”

  Then they noticed that when they drove faster, the rain was deflected by the windshield and didn’t hit them. As it rained harder, they just drove faster.

  When they came back they told their friends about the drive they took on their last day and how it ended up being the best day of their whole trip.

  Their friends insisted that rain didn’t work that way—it must have been hitting them. All of them agreed. One friend, who taught physics at a university, was particularly insistent. He even drew a diagram and wouldn’t let them change the subject until they promised and swore that they understood, which they finally did.

  But no matter what their friends told them, they would always know what really happened. They just kept driving faster, and outran the rain.

  The Man Who Invented the Calendar

  January 1st—Ha, that feels fun to write! I’m excited. I’ve been thinking about doing this for so long, too—I went through all my old diaries, and it turns out I came up with this idea all the way back on Day After Day After Very Cloudy Day.

  January 2nd—I’m still so excited about this calendar thing. It just makes so much sense! One thousand days a year, divided into 25 months, 40 days a month. Why didn’t anyone think of this before?

  January 3rd—Getting so many compliments on the calendar. One guy came up to me today and said he’s going to organize his whole life around it—literally, someone said that!

  January 4th—Best day ever (or at least so far in recorded history)! I was talking to Alice at the bonfire for such a long time—yes, that Alice. It seemed like she was into me, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous. Finally I asked if she wanted to come back to my place and hang out more. She winked at me and said, “I don’t know … I guess I’ll have to check my calendar” (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

  January 30th—People really hate January and want it to be over right away. I tried to explain that it’s just the way we choose to label things and that it wouldn’t make any difference, but no one got it. Finally, I just told everyone that this would be the last day of January, and months would be just 30 days instead of 40. But there wasn’t enough time to get the word out. So to be safe, we have to make this month 31 days, and then we’ll make the rest 30. Not a big deal. Everyone is excited to see Febuary—including me!

  February 1st—Another small fuck-up: I put an extra r in all the copies I handed out of the calendar, so it said “FebRuary,” even though I already told everyone the next month coming was called “FebUary.” I felt so stupid—but Alice came up with the best solution! She said: “Just tell everyone it’s spelled February but pronounced ‘Feb-u-ary.’ That way, they’ll feel stupid!” Alice is the best.

  February 14th—Alice stuff weird. Tonight we were having a nice dinner at the same place we always go, but she was being unusually quiet. Finally I asked if anything was wrong, and she said, “Do you know what day today is?” I said, “Yes, of course I do, I invented the calendar. It’s February 14th. Why?” She smiled a really tense smile, said, “Yes. Yes, it is”—and then just walked away right in the middle of dinner! What’s that about?

  February 15th—So cold.

  February 28th—I hate this month. I just can’t take one more day of it. This month will just have to be shorter than the rest, and if people don’t like it, they can go fuck themselves.

  March 1st—Feeling much better! I don’t know if it’s just symbolic, but I’m glad February is over. I have a really good feeling about March.

  March 9th—There’s this new type of berry that looks soooo good, but somebody told me it’s poison. Oh well.

  April 1st—A lot of shenanigans today, like pranks (which are lies-for-no-reason). People say it has something to do with the calendar, which I wasn’t crazy about hearing, because to be honest I think the whole thing is kind of lame. It’s just not my style. But I guess that’s good, when your invention takes on a life you never expected. That’s what the inventor of the scarf told me—it was originally supposed to be a weapon.

  April 12th—Someone should invent a new type of clock. Really simple. No cu
ckoo, no sun business, just numbers.

  April 30th—I think 31 days was a mistake. You can’t divide anything into 31, so you can’t make anything half a month or half a week or anything (because 7 is the same way). There should be a word for numbers like that. So: 30 days it is. Glad to be done with this decision.

  May 2nd—Ahhh, now maybe I want months to be 31 days. (Why am I so obsessed with this?)

  May 20th—Ran into Alice again, and I played it so cool! She congratulated me on the calendar stuff and asked if I ever thought of putting pictures on it—she could maybe pose for it or something. I said that I’d think about it but that it sounded kind of cheesy. She asked when I could hang out more and catch up, and I told her I was busy, but I’d let her know in August. “What’s August?” she said. “Oh, it’s a month I’ve been kicking around—you’re going to love it,” I said. I could not have played it better!

  June 29th—Met this really cool girl Jane at a stoning. Will write more later!

  October 9th—Can’t believe I haven’t written in so long! Summer was amazing. Harvest amazing! People keep asking if I can make the days longer during the harvest season, just by an hour or two. I told them that they should just wake up earlier if it was so important to them, but everyone was too drunk to understand, so eventually I just said, “Sure, maybe one hour, maybe someday,” and everyone cheered. “More sleep!” Huh? None of it made any sense.

  October 21st—Things are still going strong with Jane. This year has been so amazing, and it’s only October! So much has already happened, and there’s still November, December, Latrember, Faunus, Rogibus, Neptember, Stonk …